No one should ever, ever have to go through something like this. I always considered myself so fortunate to have had such uneventful pregnancies and births and I feel even more so now.
I thank God that there is no question in my mind that I will see my angel again in heaven someday. I am sad that I was not able to watch my little one grow up and experience each new stage. I am definitely holding my little ones a little tighter and giving them that extra kiss at night not wanting to leave the room. They are so precious and life is so fragile.
I thank God that I was able to go through most everything at home. The hospital and dr. visits were horrible. So much so that I would tremble in the waiting rooms... the anxiety was awful. The day my ultrasound was clear, I was so happy I would not have to come back for a long time. I was planning a home birth this time and my treatment has solidified that choice.
The one visit I had with my midwife before this happened was one of the things that got me through. I was treated like a person and she asked the important questions to make sure I was taken care of on every level: emotional, mental and physical. Having children/creating life is so much more than a medical procedure for a woman. It affects us on every level of our being. It is a physical, spiritual, mental and emotional experience and we need to have all of those areas discussed and supported. And the midwife did just that.
We want to try again when we are ready.
It will take time to heal and it hurts to see a baby and feel sadness instead of awe and that welling up of motherly love that I would usually feel. I don't want to feel that way, but I do.
Everyday is new and I feel like I have a new perspective and a new drive. God has given us so much peace and protected us when we needed it most. We will carry this little one in our hearts forever and know we will see them again one day. Praying God is giving my little one lots of hugs and kisses for me.